A Crystal Age: Chapter 14

Chapter 14

From that day I was frequently allowed to enter the Mother's Room, but,
as I had feared, these visits failed to bring me into any closer
relationship with the lady of the house. She had indeed forgotten my
offense: I was one of her children, sharing equally with the others in
her impartial affection, and privileged to sit at her feet to relate to
her the incidents of the day, or describe all I had seen, and sometimes
to touch her thin white hand with my lips. But the distance separating
us was not forgotten. At the two first interviews she had taught me,
once for all, that it was for me to love, honor, and serve her, and that
anything beyond that--any attempt to win her confidence, to enter into
her thoughts, or make her understand my feelings and aspirations--was
regarded as pure presumption on my part. The result was that I was less
happy than I had been before knowing her: my naturally buoyant and
hopeful temper became tinged with melancholy, and that vision of
exquisite bliss in the future, which had floated before me, luring me
on, now began to look pale, and to seem further and further away.

After my walk with Yoletta--if it can be called a walk--I began to look
out for the rainbow lilies, and soon discovered that everywhere under
the grass they were beginning to sprout from the soil. At first I found
them in the moist valley of the river, but very soon they were equally
abundant on the higher lands, and even on barren, stony places, where
they appeared latest. I felt very curious about these flowers, of which
Yoletta had spoken so enthusiastically, and watched the slow growth of
the long, slender buds from day to day with considerable impatience. At
length, in a moist hollow of the forest, I was delighted to find the
full-blown flower. In shape it resembled a tulip, but was more open, and
the color a most vivid orange yellow; it had a slight delicate perfume,
and was very pretty, with a peculiar waxy gloss on the thick petals,
still, I was rather disappointed, since the name of "rainbow lily," and
Yoletta's words, had led me to expect a many-colored flower of
surpassing beauty.

I plucked the lily carefully, and was taking it home to present it to
her, when all at once I remembered that only on one occasion had I seen
flowers in her hand, and in the hands of the others, and that was when
they were burying their dead. They never wore a flower, nor had I ever
seen one in the house, not even in that room where Chastel was kept a
prisoner by her malady, and where her greatest delight was to have
nature in all its beauty and fragrance brought to her in the
conversation of her children. The only flowers in the house were in
their illuminations, and those wrought in metal and carved in wood, and
the immortal, stony flowers of many brilliant hues in their mosaics. I
began to fear that there was some superstition which made it seem wrong
to them to gather flowers, except for funeral ceremonies, and afraid of
offending from want of thought, I dropped the lily on the ground, and
said nothing about it to any one.

Then, before any more open lilies were found, an unexpected sorrow came
to me. After changing my dress on returning from the fields one
afternoon, I was taken to the hall of judgment, and at once jumped to
the conclusion that I had again unwittingly fallen into disgrace; but on
arriving at that uncomfortable apartment I perceived that this was not
the case. Looking round at the assembled company I missed Yoletta, and
my heart sank in me, and I even wished that my first impression had
proved correct. On the great stone table, before which the father was
seated, lay an open folio, the leaf displayed being only illuminated at
the top and inner margin; the colored part at the top I noticed was
torn, the rent extending down to about the middle of the page.

Presently the dear girl appeared, with tearful eyes and flushed face,
and advancing hurriedly to the father, she stood before him with
downcast eyes.

"My daughter, tell me how and why you did this?" he demanded, pointing
to the open volume.

"Oh, father, look at this," she returned, half-sobbing, and touching the
lower end of the colored margin with her finger. "Do you see how badly
it is colored? And I had spent three days in altering and retouching it,
and still it displeased me. Then, in sudden anger, I pushed the book
from me, and seeing it slipping from the stand I caught the leaf to
prevent it from falling, and it was torn by the weight of the book. Oh,
dear father, will you forgive me?"

"Forgive you, my daughter? Do you not know how it grieves my heart to
punish you; but how can this offense to the house be forgiven, which
must stand in evidence against us from generation to generation? For we
cease to be, but the house remains; and the writing we leave on it,
whether it be good or evil, that too remains for ever. An unkind word is
an evil thing, an unkind deed a worse, but when these are repented they
may be forgiven and forgotten. But an injury done to the house cannot be
forgotten, for it is the flaw in the stone that keeps its place, the
crude, inharmonious color which cannot be washed out with water.
Consider, my daughter, in the long life of the house, how many unborn
men will turn the leaves of this book, and coming to this leaf will be
offended at so grievous a disfigurement! If we of this generation were
destined to live for ever, then it might be written on this page for a
punishment and warning:" Yoletta tore it in her anger. "But we must pass
away and be nothing to succeeding generations, and it would not be right
that Yoletta's name should be remembered for the wrong she did to the
house, and all she did for its good forgotten."

A painful silence ensued, then, lifting her tear-stained face, she said:
"Oh father, what must my punishment be?"

"Dear child, it will be a light one, for we consider your youth and
impulsive nature, and also that the wrong you did was partly the result
of accident. For thirty days you must live apart from us, subsisting on
bread and water, and holding intercourse with one person only, who will
assist you with your work and provide you with all things necessary."

This seemed to me a harsh, even a cruel punishment for so trivial an
offense, or accident, rather; but she was not perhaps of the same mind,
for she kissed his hand, as if in gratitude for his leniency.

"Tell me, child," he said, putting his hand on her head, and regarding
her with misty eyes, "who shall attend you in your seclusion?"

"Edra," she murmured; and the other, coming forward, took her by the
hand and led her away.

I gazed eagerly after her as she retired, hungering for one look from
her dear eyes before that long separation; but they were filled with
tears and bent on the floor, and in a moment she was gone from sight.

The succeeding days were to me dreary beyond description. For the first
time I became fully conscious of the strength of a passion which had now
become a consuming fire in my breast, and could only end in utter
misery--perhaps in destruction--or else in a degree of happiness no
mortal had ever tasted before. I went about listlessly, like one on whom
some heavy calamity has fallen: all interest in my work was lost; my
food seemed tasteless; study and conversation had become a weariness;
even in those divine concerts, which fitly brought each tranquil day to
its close, there was no charm now, since Yoletta's voice, which love had
taught my dull ear to distinguish no longer had any part in it. I was
not allowed to enter the Mother's Room of an evening now, and the
exclusion extended also to the others, Edra only excepted; for at this
hour, when it was customary for the family to gather in the music-room,
Yoletta was taken from her lonely chamber to be with her mother. This
was told me, and I also elicited, by means of some roundabout
questioning, that it was always in the mother's power to have any
per-son undergoing punishment taken to her, she being, as it were, above
the law. She could even pardon a delinquent and set him free if she felt
so minded, although in this case she had not chosen to exercise her
prerogative, probably because her "sufferings had not clouded her
understanding." They were treating her very hardly--father and mother
both--I thought in my bitterness.

The gradual opening of the rainbow lilies served only to remind me every
hour and every minute of that bright young spirit thus harshly deprived
of the pleasure she had so eagerly anticipated. She, above them all,
rejoiced in the beauty of this visible world, regarding nature in some
of its moods and aspects with a feeling almost bordering on adoration;
but, alas! she alone was shut out from this glory which God had spread
over the earth for the delight of all his children.

Now I knew why these autumnal flowers were called rainbow lilies, and
remembered how Yoletta had told me that they gave a beauty to the earth
which could not be described or imagined. The flowers were all
undoubtedly of one species, having the same shape and perfume, although
varying greatly in size, according to the nature of the soil on which
they grew. But in different situations they varied in color, one color
blending with, or passing by degrees into another, wherever the soil
altered its character. Along the valleys, where they first began to
bloom, and in all moist situations, the hue was yellow, varying,
according to the amount of moisture in different places, from pale
primrose to deep orange, this passing again into vivid scarlet and reds
of many shades. On the plains the reds prevailed, changing into various
purples on hills and mountain slopes; but high on the mountains the
color was blue; and this also had many gradations, from the lower deep
cornflower blue to a delicate azure on the summits, resembling that of
the forget-me-not and hairbell.

The weather proved singularly favorable to those who spent their time in
admiring the lilies, and this now seemed to be almost the only
occupation of the inmates, excepting, of course, sick Chastel,
imprisoned Yoletta, and myself--I being too forlorn to admire anything.
Calm, bright days without a cloud succeeded each other, as if the very
elements held the lilies sacred and ventured not to cast any shadow over
their mystic splendor. Each morning one of the men would go out some
distance from the house and blow on a horn, which could be heard
distinctly two miles away; and presently a number of horses, in couples
and troops, would come galloping in, after which they would remain all
the morning grazing and gamboling about the house. These horses were now
in constant requisition, all the members of the family, male and female,
spending several hours every day in careering over the surrounding
country, seemingly without any particular object. The contagion did not
affect me, however, for, although I had always been a bold rider (in my
own country), and excessively fond of horseback exercise, their fashion
of riding without bridles, and on diminutive straw saddles, seemed to me
neither safe nor pleasant.

One morning after breakfasting, I took my ax, and was proceeding slowly,
immersed in thought, to the forest, when hearing a slight swishing sound
of hoofs on the grass, I turned and beheld the venerable father, mounted
on his charger, and rushing away towards the hills at an insanely
break-neck pace. His long garment was gathered tightly round his spare
form, his feet drawn up and his head bent far forward, while the wind of
his speed divided his beard, which flew out in two long streamers
behind. All at once he caught sight of me, and, touching the animal's
neck, swept gracefully round in narrowing circles, each circle bringing
him nearer, until he came to a stand at my side; then his horse began
rubbing his nose on my hand, its breath feeling like fire on my skin.

"Smith," said he, with a grave smile, "if you cannot be happy unless you
are laboring in the forest with your ax you must proceed with your
wood-cutting; but I confess it surprises me as much to see you going to
work on a day like this, as it would to see you walking inverted on your
hands, and dangling your heels in the air."

"Why?" said I, surprised at this speech.

"If you do not know I must tell you. At night we sleep; in the morning
we bathe; we eat when we are hungry, converse when we feel inclined, and
on most days labor a certain number of hours. But more than these
things, which have a certain amount of pleasure in them, are the
precious moments when nature reveals herself to us in all her beauty. We
give ourselves wholly to her then, and she refreshes us; the splendor
fades, but the wealth it brings to the soul remains to gladden us. That
must be a dull spirit that cannot suspend its toil when the sun is
setting in glory, or the violet rainbow appears on the cloud. Every day
brings us special moments to gladden us, just as we have in the house
every day our time of melody and recreation. But this supreme and more
enduring glory of nature comes only once every year; and while it lasts,
all labor, except that which is pressing and necessary, is unseemly, and
an offense to the Father of the world." He paused, but I did not know
what to say in reply, and presently he resumed: "My son, there are
horses waiting for you, and unless you are more unlike us in mind than I
ever imagined, you will now take one and ride to the hills, where, owing
to the absence of forests, the earth can now be seen at its best."

I was about to thank him and turn back, but the thought of Yoletta, to
whom each heavy day now seemed a year, oppressed by heart, and I
continued standing motionless, with downcast eyes, wishing, yet fearing,
to speak.

"Why is your mind troubled, my son?" he said kindly.

"Father," I answered, that word which I now ventured to use for the
first time trembling from my lips, "the beauty of the earth is very much
to me, but I cannot help remembering that to Yoletta it is even more,
and the thought takes away all my pleasure. The flowers will fade, and
she will not see them."

"My son, I am glad to hear these words," he answered, somewhat to my
surprise, for I had greatly feared that I had adopted too bold a course.
"For I see now," he continued, "that this seeming indifference, which
gave me some pain, does not proceed from an incapacity on your part to
feel as we do, but from a tender love and compassion--that most precious
of all our emotions, which will serve to draw you closer to us. I have
also thought much of Yoletta during these beautiful days, grieving for
her, and this morning I have allowed her to go out into the hills, so
that during this day, at least, she will be able to share in our
pleasure."

Scarcely waiting for another word to be spoken, I flew back to the
house, anxious enough for a ride now. The little straw saddle seemed now
as comfortable as a couch, nor was the bridle missed; for, nerved with
that intense desire to find and speak to my love, I could have ridden
securely on the slippery back of a giraffe, charging over rough ground
with a pack of lions at its heels. Away I went at a speed never perhaps
attained by any winner of the Derby, which made the shining hairs of my
horse's mane whistle in the still air; down valleys, up hills, flying
like a bird over roaring burns, rocks, and thorny bushes, never pausing
until I was far away among those hills where that strange accident had
befallen me, and from which I had recovered to find the earth so
changed. I then ascended a great green hill, the top of which must have
been over a thousand feet above the surrounding country. When I had at
length reached this elevation, which I did walking and climbing, my
steed docilely scrambling up after me, the richness and novelty of the
unimaginable and indescribable scene which opened before me affected me
in a strange way, smiting my heart with a pain intense and unfamiliar.
For the first time I experienced within myself that miraculous power the
mind possesses of reproducing instantaneously, and without perspective,
the events, feelings, and thoughts of long years--an experience which
sometimes comes to a person suddenly confronted with death, and in other
moments of supreme agitation. A thousand memories and a thousand
thoughts were stirring in me: I was conscious now, as I had not been
before, of the past and the present, and these two existed in my mind,
yet separated by a great gulf of time--a blank and a nothingness which
yet oppressed me with its horrible vastness. How aimless and solitary,
how awful my position seemed! It was like that of one beneath whose feet
the world suddenly crumbles into ashes and dust, and is scattered
throughout the illimitable void, while he survives, blown to some far
planet whose strange aspect, however beautiful, fills him with an
undefinable terror. And I knew, and the knowledge only intensified my
pain, that my agitation, the strugglings of my soul to recover that lost
life, were like the vain wing-beats of some woodland bird, blown away a
thousand miles over the sea, into which it must at last sink down and
perish.

Such a mental state cannot endure for more than a few moments, and
passing away, it left me weary and despondent. With dull, joyless eyes I
continued gazing for upwards of an hour on the prospect beneath me; for
I had now given up all hopes of seeing Yoletta, not yet having
encountered a single person since starting for my ride. All about me the
summit was dotted with small lilies of a delicate blue, but at a little
distance the sober green of the grass became absorbed, as it were, in
the brighter flower-tints, and the neighboring summits all appeared of a
pure cerulean hue. Lower down this passed into the purples of the slopes
and the reds of the plains, while the valleys, fringed with scarlet,
were like rivers of crocus-colored fire. Distance, and the light,
autumnal haze, had a subduing and harmonizing effect on the sea of
brilliant color, and further away on the immense horizon it all faded
into the soft universal blue. Over this flowery paradise my eyes
wandered restlessly, for my heart was restless in me, and had lost the
power of pleasure. With a slight bitterness I recalled some of the words
the father had spoken to me that morning. It was all very well, I
thought, for this venerable graybeard to talk about refreshing the soul
with the sight of all this beauty; but he seemed to lose sight of the
important fact that there was a considerable difference in our
respective ages, that the raging hunger of the heart, which he had
doubtless experienced at one time of his life, was, like bodily hunger,
not to be appeased with splendid sunsets, rainbows and rainbow lilies,
however beautiful they might seem to the eye.

Presently, on a second and lower summit of the long mountain I had
ascended, I caught sight of a person on horseback, standing motionless
as a figure of stone. At that distance the horse looked no bigger than a
greyhound, yet so marvelously transparent was the mountain air, that I
distinctly recognized Yoletta in the rider. I started up, and sprang
joyfully onto my own horse, and waving my hand to attract her attention,
galloped recklessly down the slope; but when I reached the opposing
summit she was no longer there, nor anywhere in sight, and it was as if
the earth had opened and swallowed her.

Back to chapter list of: A Crystal Age