Mardi: Chapter 60

Chapter 60

Belshazzar On The Bench

Now, Media was king of Odo. And from the simplicity of his manners
hitherto, and his easy, frank demeanor toward ourselves, had we
foolishly doubted that fact, no skepticism could have survived an
illustration of it, which this very day we witnessed at noon.

For at high noon, Media was wont to don his dignity with his symbols
of state; and sit on his judgment divan or throne, to hear and try
all causes brought before him, and fulminate his royal decrees.

This divan was elevated at one end of a spacious arbor, formed by an
avenue of regal palms, which in brave state, held aloft their
majestical canopy.

The crown of the island prince was of the primitive old Eastern
style; in shape, similar, perhaps, to that jauntily sported as a
foraging cap by his sacred majesty King Nimrod, who so lustily
followed the hounds. It was a plaited turban of red tappa, radiated
by the pointed and polished white bones of the Ray-fish. These
diverged from a bandeau or fillet of the most precious pearls;
brought up from the sea by the deepest diving mermen of Mardi. From
the middle of the crown rose a tri-foiled spear-head. And a spear-
headed scepter graced the right hand of the king.

Now, for all the rant of your democrats, a fine king on a throne is a
very fine sight to behold. He looks very much like a god. No wonder
that his more dutiful subjects so swore, that their good lord and
master King Media was demi-divine.

A king on his throne! Ah, believe me, ye Gracchi, ye Acephali, ye
Levelers, it is something worth seeing, be sure; whether beheld at
Babylon the Tremendous, when Nebuchadnezzar was crowned; at old Scone
in the days of Macbeth; at Rheims, among Oriflammes, at the
coronation of Louis le Grand; at Westminster Abbey, when the
gentlemanly George doffed his beaver for a diadem; or under the soft
shade of palm trees on an isle in the sea.

Man lording it over man, man kneeling to man, is a spectacle that
Gabriel might well travel hitherward to behold; for never did he
behold it in heaven. But Darius giving laws to the Medes and the
Persians, or the conqueror of Bactria with king-cattle yoked to his
car, was not a whit more sublime, than Beau Brummel magnificently
ringing for his valet.

A king on his throne! It is Jupiter nodding in the councils of
Olympus; Satan, seen among the coronets in Hell.

A king on his throne! It is the sun over a mountain; the sun over
law-giving Sinai; the sun in our system: planets, duke-like, dancing
attendance, and baronial satellites in waiting.

A king on his throne! After all, but a gentleman seated. And thus sat
the good lord, King Media.

Time passed. And after trying and dismissing several minor affairs,
Media called for certain witnesses to testify concerning one Jiromo,
a foolhardy wight, who had been silly enough to plot against the
majesty now sitting judge and jury upon him.

His guilt was clear. And the witnesses being heard, from a bunch of
palm plumes Media taking a leaf, placed it in the hand of a runner or
pursuivant, saying, "This to Jiromo, where he is prisoned; with his
king's compliments; say we here wait for his head."

It was doffed like a turban before a Dey, and brought back on the
instant.

Now came certain lean-visaged, poverty-stricken, and hence
suspicious-looking varlets, grumbling and growling, and amiable as
Bruin. They came muttering some wild jargon about "bulwarks,"
"bulkheads," "cofferdams," "safeguards," "noble charters," "shields,"
and "paladiums," "great and glorious birthrights," and other
unintelligible gibberish.

Of the pursuivants, these worthies asked audience of Media.

"Go, kneel at the throne," was the answer.

"Our knee-pans are stiff with sciatics," was the rheumatic reply.

"An artifice to keep on your legs," said the pursuivants.

And advancing they salamed, and told Media the excuse of those sour-
looking varlets. Whereupon my lord commanded them to down on their
marrow-bones instanter, either before him or the headsman,
whichsoever they pleased.

They preferred the former. And as they there kneeled, in vain did men
with sharp ears (who abound in all courts) prick their auriculars, to
list to that strange crackling and firing off of bone balls and
sockets, ever incident to the genuflections of rheumatic courtiers.

In a row, then, these selfsame knee-pans did kneel before the king;
who eyed them as eagles in air do goslings on dunghills; or hunters,
hounds crouching round their calves.

"Your prayer?" said Media.

It was a petition, that thereafter all differences between man and
man in Ode, together with all alleged offenses against the state,
might be tried by twelve good men and true. These twelve to be
unobnoxious to the party or parties concerned; their peers; and
previously unbiased touching the matter at issue. Furthermore, that
unanimity in these twelve should be indispensable to a verdict; and
no dinner be vouchsafed till unanimity came.

Loud and long laughed King Media in scorn.

"This be your judge," he cried, swaying his scepter. "What! are
twelve wise men more wise than one? or will twelve fools, put
together, make one sage? Are twelve honest men more honest than one?
or twelve knaves less knavish than one? And if, of twelve men, three
be fools, and three wise, three knaves, and three upright, how obtain
real unanimity from such?

"But if twelve judges be better than one, then are twelve hundred
better than twelve. But take the whole populace for a judge, and you
will long wait for a unanimous verdict.

"If upon a thing dubious, there be little unanimity in the
conflicting opinions of one man's mind, how expect it in the uproar
of twelve puzzled brains? though much unanimity be found in twelve
hungry stomachs.

"Judges unobnoxious to the accused! Apply it to a criminal case. Ha!
ha! if peradventure a Cacti be rejected, because he had seen the
accused commit the crime for which he is arraigned. Then, his mind
would be biased: no impartiality from him! Or your testy accused
might object to another, because of his tomahawk nose, or a cruel
squint of the eye.

"Of all follies the most foolish! Know ye from me, that true peers
render not true verdicts. Jiromo was a rebel. Had I tried him by his
peers, I had tried him by rebels; and the rebel had rebelled to some
purpose.

"Away! As unerring justice dwells in a unity, and as one judge will
at last judge the world beyond all appeal; so--though often here
below justice be hard to attain--does man come nearest the mark, when
he imitates that model divine. Hence, one judge is better than
twelve."

"And as Justice, in ideal, is ever painted high lifted above the
crowd; so, from the exaltation of his rank, an honest king is the
best of those unical judges, which individually are better than
twelve. And therefore am I, King Media, the best judge in this land."

"Subjects! so long as I live, I will rule you and judge you alone.
And though you here kneeled before me till you grew into the ground,
and there took root, no yea to your petition will you get from this
throne. I am king: ye are slaves. Mine to command: yours to obey. And
this hour I decree, that henceforth no gibberish of bulwarks and
bulkheads be heard in this land. For a dead bulwark and a bulkhead,
to dam off sedition, will I make of that man, who again but breathes
those bulky words. Ho! spears! see that these knee-pans here kneel
till set of sun."

High noon was now passed; and removing his crown, and placing it on
the dais for the kneelers to look at during their devotions, King
Media departed from that place, and once more played the agreeable
host.

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